WHAY AM I NOT PLAYING ON THE LPGA AND HOW I FEEL?
I wanted to talk a little bit about what is going on in my mind, especially during this phase in my life where things aren’t playing out the way I thought they would be.
I left you guys with a feeling that I was going back to competition. And I was planning on doing that. But it didn’t happen. It didn’t feel natural. I was definitely speeding up the process and screwing myself up in the meantime. Not meeting due dates or expectations is hard. Can you relate to this feeling?
But, how am I doing?
Emotionally im fine, I have always been and I will always be. I am a tough cookie, and even though this year has put me a lot of barriers -physical and emotional-, I have tolerated every each of them. I tell myself everyday that I play golf because I want to, but I am not just a golfer. And knowing this helps me being emotionally stable.
After hitting rock bottom (once again) before flying out to Australia in February this year, I stopped practicing for a little while. And I definitely didn’t post much about golf. Most of you guys were probably aware… I needed to get my shit together. Being injured for so long makes your mind go nuts. I was so focused on redeeming myself once I was able to swing again, that I didn’t realize the complete mess I was.
Right now I am slowly getting back into it. I have had physical recesses again (my hip), and we are working on that. That is why my process is being so slow. I am also taking a lot of time to work on myself and the mental side of competition. That is one of the things I lost during all this time off and also one of the most important things I need to be back on the LPGA. At the end of the day, golf is like riding a bike, what you miss out on is knowing how to compete..
I am still a bag of emotions, but I wasn't expecting less. I am clouded with feelings of obsession, excitement, fear, anxiety, joy… These are all normal and natural emotions. But I need to make sure I can control them because right now they are definitely controlling me. But if there is anything I have learned is this long process is to be patient, and to not put a clock on things that should happen naturally. I am not there yet, but I will/might be.
This is another thing that I wanted to talk to you about. One of the things that hurt me the most is giving expectations I later on couldn’t meet. And I felt like I have been doing that for over a year now. It happened with my injury and its happening now. I get it, it’s part of being what they call now a social influencer. I am constantly putting myself out there for you guys, trying to excite you about my progress but it also gives me anxiety to meet the demands of others to come back on tour.
That is why, even though I am not ready to cease my social media interaction with you guys because I FREAKING LOVE IT, I am letting you guys know I will not be posting that periodically about my golf advances until it is very certain I am coming back. I will be reporting myself every now and then, so you guys know that I am working hard on it. And please be sure to count on that. I also need to check again what is going on to my hip since the pain has gotten back. But most importantly, I am also going to be surrounded by my family, which is what I have missed and sacrificed the most when being out on tour all these years.
I hope you guys support this decision of mine and also decide to accompany me on my new adventures on and off the golf course. Meanwhile, don’t be surprised if I blog about travel experiences, or post about many other things I love to do besides golf. At the end of the day, golf is a (big) part of me but its not only who I am.
With much love,